A few weeks ago I felt like I was having massive doubts about everything. I wrote down how I was feeling so this is kind of a diary/blog entry. More to put it out there that it is possible to get what you want but also what happens when it all comes at once or when you perhaps are scared that you can't keep it all together...
A few weeks back...
So things are going in the totally right direction, as in, I wanted to do more drumming and new opportunities have presented themselves. Thank you universe for that 🙌🏻🙏🏻
But I gotta tell ya, I’m knackered!
I’m used to being tired, up in the night with baby but now I feel added pressure.
Pressure from myself if I’m honest - I have a bad case of the disease to please
I had to work late the other night and once upon a time night shifts were my bread and butter. I loved the hours and I would sleep in til about lunchtime.
These days? That just can’t happen.
So after my late shift the other night which in fairness doesn’t happen a lot these days I was up the next morning as usual with my daughter but it so happened that later that day I had rehearsal.
This rehearsal didn’t end until 11:30pm and I didn’t get home until 1:45am.
To say I’m tired today is an understatement. I’ve really struggled as I’m wanting to be the best mum with my daughter but it’s hard keeping your patience and energy up when you’re so tired.
I’ve also had multiple messages about the gig that’s happening this weekend and whilst I’m happy to converse about the arrangements, sometimes it’s hard to reply. If it’s dinner time and I’m feeding the baby it’s not always ideal to be on my phone and you know what? Sometimes I don’t want to be available for that anyway. I want to be present with my child not checking and replying to a dozen messages.
This is all part of the parcel of being in a band - I know this but it’s just made me doubt myself today. Am I ready for this? Can I do all this?
To top it off I’m starting teaching soon - I am so excited about this but my goodness it feels like it’s all come at once and whilst I wished for this - the reality is making me feel all wobbly.
Yes I want to gig and earn my money by doing what I love but it’s everything else - the rehearsals, the practice time, the band admin which might trip me up.
Yes I want to be the best musician I can be and boy the past few weeks I have been practicing as soon as the baby naps right until she wakes. I’m practicing whenever I have a moment - which isn’t much at all.
I'm tired but I do feel a sense of pride for being as prepared as I can be.
On the other hand there is a voice inside going “is this worth it?”
I don’t think I could keep this up if I was working most nights in the week - that I know. But for now I think I need to stop this writing and go to sleep!!
Perhaps after a good rest I’ll have a fresh perspective and feel a lot more positive
Right now I’m an exhausted mother who wants to be a great mum and great drummer but right now I really don’t think I can be both at the same time.
How can I give my all to both? It’s a fine line I tell ya!
Not sure how long I can juggle it for and it feels like it’s only just getting started.
So now its a while after and of course I have a new perspective. The gig went great and since then I've been practicing lots and somehow we are in the process of moving too so its all go.
I am loving teaching and almost feel a bit more ready and strong for all thats to come. Yes, its hard splitting my time between being a mum and practicing and gigging but I feel its a necessary part of it all. I want to show my daughter she can be whatever she wants and so I have to follow my own advice and just go for it. Yes it can be hard to juggle things but I have an amazing family and support system and the more as time goes by I am getting better at asking for help. The moral of this story is, go for your dreams and don’t be afraid to ask for help along the way.
I think there is a quote that says “we are given only what we can handle” or something along those lines and I try to remember that in my many moments of doubt.
Thanks for reading