When I first discovered I was pregnant I wouldn't hear any of this "pregnancy brain" talk, I was capable, busy and carrying on as normal and wanted people to know it too.
I prided myself on keeping cool under pressure, multi tasking to the max and making an extra big effort to make sure I didn't come across as the pregnant person who couldn't keep up.
It was I think in month 4 that I forgot something - amongst a busy day at work - one tiny thing and I was greeted with the comment of "aww, baby brain!"
I was so ANGRY! `The comment came from a woman no less`AND she had children!
"How could you?!" I thought. There I was managing so well with gigs, lots of night shifts and dealing with silly people at work and the first little mistake I make, I am told its my pregnant brain....cheers! I felt defeated and immediately judged that I wasn't capable.
I didn't want to be treated any differently or thought of as not "on the ball" just because I was with child. It's not a nice feeling but I soon found out that things can change pretty quickly and having a reason for a slow brain will actually help you out in the end.
Fast forward to now..... and I completely and utterly admit to being in the throws of baby brain. I don't know when it started properly or when I finally succumbed to its mighty power but I am bowled over by how my brain seems sometimes so alien to me.
My memory is pretty much gone 90% of the time. I need to write everything down on my phone, notes, reminders, alarms - the lot!
My husband openly says how he's noticed and how frustrating it is when I don't seem to understand what he's saying or haven't court up with his train of thought. The only response I have is that its just as frustrating for me. It feels like my brain is getting smaller and I have zero control!
I guess the one positive is that you have an excuse. You can just say if you're having an off day that its due to baby brain and I'm comforted that eventually this fogginess in my head will lift at some point. (Please God!!)
A few classic examples of my baby brain in action have been:
Leaving my wallet in the shop
Forgetting passwords for my email
Getting on the wrong train when it clearly says where its going
Complicating journeys home by taking multiple modes of transport - when not needed
Lending a cd drive out - now I have no idea who has it
Suddenly forgetting people's names
Forgetting everything! - words, bands, tv shows, how to spell the word "The"
** I'm sure I'll update this list once my husband reminds me of many crazy moments**
Now? I'm happy to say I just embrace it and laugh. What else can I do?!
I know its crazy and nuts and I'm certainly NOT firing on all (or any!) cylinders but there's not too long left to go now and the biggest thing I'm learning through all of this is to just GO WITH THE FLOW. Don't fight it and just relax. :)
And with that, its time for some chocolate milk and for me to put my feet up.
Thanks for reading!
I'm really missing playing drums today.
Its been about 2 weeks and I just want to be in my studio, (ironically) breathing in the sweet sweet silence that always precedes any playing that I do.
There's some sort of magic that can take over when you play, a feeling I'm always searching for whenever I sit at the drum kit. A flow, an out of body experience almost. Its like when I play my best, I don't consciously know what I'm doing - it just turns up. I guess a lot of people feel this through other ways - such as sport, yoga and meditation etc
For me, it's when I go with the flow, am purely in the moment and just let go.
At the moment I'm trying to "let go" of the thought that the baby is coming soon. I'm 37.3 weeks and so far my pregnancy has been very similar to that of my sister. Her first born was 38 weeks and her second at 37 so lately I've been driving myself a bit mad thinking that baby is coming any time now. Every ache below my (now flat) belly button, I think "Is it time?" "Is baby ready?!" But then of course the ache goes away and I'm left wondering when I'm going to meet the little one. I guess this is where I need to practice a little more patience :)
Whilst I'm sure the baby will arrive soon, I don't want to stop enjoying being pregnant as I know once this time is over, I wont get it back.
I'll be thrown into a whole new world of even more sleep deprivation, nappies, crying and major responsibility. I also know that it will be the most special time of my life and I am so excited for this next chapter.
So its the same old battle of surrendering to the moment, being grateful for what I have in front of me right now and changing my attitude to that of abundance and not of lack.
Yes, I can't drum right now but what I can do is enjoy the time I have. I can listen to some wonderful music, spend some time cooking and what I've been doing lot of these past two days... is watching Jane Fonda!
I don't know about you but there's something about her that just makes me smile. If I could be like her when I'm older I'd be ecstatic! She's just so cool!
I've been trying my best to relax the past few days and have been fully involved in a relationship with the sofa and Netflix. Currently binge watching the series Grace and Frankie - hence my fondness of The Fonda ;-)
Fonda kind of links in nicely to what my husband and I have been talking about lately - which is that of role models and whether we're going to have any godparents for our children. We've been discussing what qualities we're looking for in men and women that sets them apart and makes them so called "good role models or mentors".
If we're on the Fonda train then I might as well run with it...so what is it I like about her? Well, what I like is how strong she is. Having had a turbulent childhood and faced many hardships throughout her life, she remains strong and positive. I love her sense of style and her sense of humour, she seems like such a classy lady and isn't afraid to tell it like it is.
So if anyone has any advice out there in making this decision about Godparents - I'm all ears. Not wanting to leave out any of my friends, I wonder how to go about choosing the "right" person without upsetting anyone.
I'd like to know how did you make the decision about who to make a godparent?
Also, who are your favourite role models and why?
I'd love to hear your thoughts.
Here's a clip of Jane Fonda and Lily Tomlin that always makes me feel extremely grateful to all the amazing girl friends I have in my life:
Until next week...
Today was the first day that actually felt like I was on maternity leave - when in fact it started on Saturday.
Between NCT classes, yoga, a baby shower, a birth centre tour and a hypno-birthing class, myself and my husband have been exhausted, lucky for me - I didn't have to go to work today!
So what did I do with my free day? Well... nothing too noteworthy I'm afraid.
I packed our "go" bag and watched the film 'Boyhood' - which I recommend you watch if you haven't seen it.
Tonight, I'm planning on making Chicken Kiev's for the first time, not being the greatest cook, this will be a big achievement if I can do it without making my husband ill or ordering take out instead :)
Being at home with not much to do has always been a struggle for me. I am the master at filling my time. Not too long ago, a free day would mean a run or gym session followed by drum practice and then meeting friends or playing a gig/rehearsal somewhere. I have always been on the go and never really had too much down time.
So now, here I am... feeling somewhat guilty that I haven't really accomplished much today, and feeling even worse that all I really want to do is go back to sleep...!
Sleeping is a bit of struggle right now with the big bump and acid reflux. I'm getting my most decent sleep in the morning when my husband goes to work and its been hours and hours since I've eaten. So when people say to me "get as much sleep as you can before baby arrives" I nod and silently curse them, too tired to explain that I would sleep if I could etc etc
Anyway... if sleep and heartburn are my only gripes about pregnancy this late in the day I think I'm doing pretty well. No more moaning from me (for this post at least!)
I'm trying to love my pregnancy body more and more as each day passes and hypno birthing really made me much more aware of what I say to myself. Instead of looking in the mirror and thinking about just how big I am and what new stretch marks have appeared I'm trying to see all of the beauty. For all this is part of creating life and is so worth it. Every time I touch my belly and feel movement or a little foot I remember how blessed I am.
It is truly amazing how the body adapts and how far this baby has grown, feeling very lucky that everything so far has gone well and will remember that beauty is everywhere next time I start to think negatively about pregnancy.
I know the bump IS big and getting very low which is just really exciting as I guess baby isn't far off, it's also really funny seeing other peoples reactions to me.
My Neighbour gasped so loudly when he saw me yesterday I had to laugh! Not before giving me the classic line of "Are you sure you're not having twins?!"
I think every pregnant woman has heard that line right?! I'm not sure why people say it to you but I guess it can be shocking just how big a person can get. Instead of rolling my eyes at said neighbour I had a good laugh at how shocked he was and can still hear his gasp in my head now!
Until next week, I hope you're all good, wrapping up warm and talking to yourselves nicely.