Quinn is 5 weeks today! How time does fly!
Things that have changed since her birth...?
This is gonna be a really soppy post but it'll be nothing but the truth - and you guys want the truth dontcha?! ;-)
I find myself staring at her and crying tears of genuine joy on a regular basis. You hear people talk about the love you feel for your child but nothing could have prepared me.
I had a dream about Quinn the first night we spent at home. In the dream I could see a vision of her in a dress, sitting in the sunshine in a garden. She was smiling with her eyes closed and looked totally at peace.
In the dream I couldn't find her and I woke up feeling completely panicked and cried so hard I woke my husband up. The thought of losing her was too much to bear and even now I can't think about it too much without getting a tad emosh!
I'm sure its hormones but it totally feels like the world is turned upside down as soon as you become a parent - but in the most intense beautiful way.
I thought I would struggle with not playing drums on a regular basis. Whilst I DO miss playing, the desire doesn't have the same hold over me. This might seem obvious to some people - once you have a child, of course your world changes. But I guess I was expecting to have a lot more resistance to the change.
I think, for this, I have counselling to thank. When I found out I was pregnant, I decided to go and get a bit of therapy. There was nothing wrong in particular but I had lots of worries and unexpected feelings come up - about identity, motherhood, career and lots more.
I had about 18 sessions and they really helped but I didn't see how much - until now. All the things I had anxiety about I feel like I resolved a while ago now, so the lack of career/drumming is really not an issue. And that feels amazing. People have asked what I'm gonna do career wise, now I'm with child and I tend to answer with "I don't know". I feel totally free and have total confidence that I'll be drumming again in no time but don't have any fear as to the "when" and "hows". And that in turn makes me a lot more present. Which is what I'm always trying to be, less worry = more being in the moment.
Earlier today I picked up a pair of sticks and started doing some rudiments and it felt fantastic, I still had some speed and it felt really fluid. I'm also watching more drumming videos then I usually would. Normally on Instagram/facebook I'd just scroll past but now I have a good listen and enjoy all the drumming content thats out there. The great thing about Quinn is that she has heard drums since being in the womb so music and drumming beats never wake her. So when I'm feeding is often the time I listen to music and check out some grooves. My mother in law was afraid to hoover but I explained that it was unlikely Quinn would wake... and low and behold, she slept right through it!
With Quinn has come so much more emotion - any sad film, programme - or advert and I'm in tears. Seriously! "The Holiday" was on the other day and I spent most of it sobbing into a tissue!
I've also experienced a lot more fear - "did I hear her cry just now?" "Am I doing the right things?" "Am I a good enough mum?" etc..
With all those feelings of course comes so much love I didn't know existed. No matter how little sleep I get at night, no matter how crazy she can be when I'm trying to feed or when I just feel like I'm failing, everyday I look at her and somehow all will be ok. And today?
Today I got my first smile! Now if I can make her smile everyday, then I'm definitely not failing.
I know as she grows older things will change - and don't even go there about her being a teenager before I know it! I realise there will be dark days, arguments and testing times.
But for right now, I'm gonna try and make her smile at me again.
Just Go With It
So, I haven't posted in a couple of weeks....as a certain young lady has been keeping me busy! On the 25th of October I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl.
She is a delight and there have been many things I could discuss since she's been born but today I'm going to tell you about the day I went into labour and how its been so far.
So we had just moved in with the parents in law, maybe we'd been there a week or two and were getting into a nice routine and slowly starting to organise what would be our bedroom and the babies room, I had clothes to organise, nappies to order and as each day passed I felt more and more panicked that we weren't "ready".
Finally on Saturday the 22nd my husband got really organised and did an amazing job sorting things I couldn't do - like building and lifting things and by the Sunday the rooms were pretty much sorted. We finished that day with a beautiful walk in the woods, where my husband and I just enjoyed each others company and talked for ages about things other then the impending birth. I remember going back and thinking what a lovely time we'd had and if the baby wanted to come now I'd be ok with it.... be careful what you wish for!
Even my partners dad seemed to have an idea as he stopped me from washing up and told me to relax.
Come bed time, I lied down ready for sleep listening to my hypno-birthing tapes. A weird feeling down below and Boom! my waters broke! And there was a LOT of liquid! Not to be gross... but I had only bought sanitary towels incase of this situation BIG MISTAKE! They didn't cut it at all. AT ALL!
Anyway... fast forward about 27 hours and our little daughter entered and changed our world forever! <3
Amazing how things change over night once a baby is born. The relaxed grandparents are obsessed with her and offer their opinions about everything (EVERYTHING!)
And yet... so does everyone it seems. I know its all coming from a place of love but wow! I wasn't ready for all the opinions.** (**see disclaimer)
My husband wrote a joke about our baby falling asleep on us at night and literally within the hour there were about 30 unique comments because whilst new parents want to help - and who am I to knock that help?! Although it really was just a joke :-)
I'm really enjoying getting to know my daughter and working it all out on my own and with my husband. I'm sure we're probably too uptight about some things - like a lot of first time parents and probably over thinking everything else.
The biggest thing I have learnt so far? Is just to go with it - and go with my daughter.
Whilst myself and my husband want to try enforce routines early on (do I dare mention Gina Ford?!) I've learnt so much by just watching and listening to the little one. We try every day to feed at the same times and are always trying new things at bed time. My new favourite sound is my babies' snore - so cute and signals that quick! I need to sleep too. The main thing is we're just going with it and her and working things out each day at a time :) And I love it.
This major life event reminds me of other big life events - more specifically - our wedding.
I remember the planning of it and my husband and I really wanted a stress free time in the lead up but ended up feeling so SO stressed. Why? Everyone had an opinion! Everyone we spoke to in the family or not had a thought of what "we should do" and how things should be done. Whilst the day was one of the happiest I've ever had both my husband and I know now whenever we meet a couple who are engaged is to just ask how things are going and leave it at that - no opinions unless asked for!
** So how do I round this up... Well this wouldn't be a true account if I didn't admit that I've also fallen foul of this myself. Yep I may/may not have innocently offered advice on where someone could get some nice flowers for their wedding and I may/may not have offered a tip that helped me during breast feeding .... oops! Silly isn't it that even though I know how opinions are sometimes welcome and unwelcome, I still can't help but give it myself. In light of that I'd like to say sorry, yep sorry for all the advice given and not taken along with the advice I've been given and not taken. That goes both ways and just so you know, you'll never have to say sorry to me :D
Til next time!