Quinn is 5 weeks today! How time does fly!
Things that have changed since her birth...?
This is gonna be a really soppy post but it'll be nothing but the truth - and you guys want the truth dontcha?! ;-)
I find myself staring at her and crying tears of genuine joy on a regular basis. You hear people talk about the love you feel for your child but nothing could have prepared me.
I had a dream about Quinn the first night we spent at home. In the dream I could see a vision of her in a dress, sitting in the sunshine in a garden. She was smiling with her eyes closed and looked totally at peace.
In the dream I couldn't find her and I woke up feeling completely panicked and cried so hard I woke my husband up. The thought of losing her was too much to bear and even now I can't think about it too much without getting a tad emosh!
I'm sure its hormones but it totally feels like the world is turned upside down as soon as you become a parent - but in the most intense beautiful way.
I thought I would struggle with not playing drums on a regular basis. Whilst I DO miss playing, the desire doesn't have the same hold over me. This might seem obvious to some people - once you have a child, of course your world changes. But I guess I was expecting to have a lot more resistance to the change.
I think, for this, I have counselling to thank. When I found out I was pregnant, I decided to go and get a bit of therapy. There was nothing wrong in particular but I had lots of worries and unexpected feelings come up - about identity, motherhood, career and lots more.
I had about 18 sessions and they really helped but I didn't see how much - until now. All the things I had anxiety about I feel like I resolved a while ago now, so the lack of career/drumming is really not an issue. And that feels amazing. People have asked what I'm gonna do career wise, now I'm with child and I tend to answer with "I don't know". I feel totally free and have total confidence that I'll be drumming again in no time but don't have any fear as to the "when" and "hows". And that in turn makes me a lot more present. Which is what I'm always trying to be, less worry = more being in the moment.
Earlier today I picked up a pair of sticks and started doing some rudiments and it felt fantastic, I still had some speed and it felt really fluid. I'm also watching more drumming videos then I usually would. Normally on Instagram/facebook I'd just scroll past but now I have a good listen and enjoy all the drumming content thats out there. The great thing about Quinn is that she has heard drums since being in the womb so music and drumming beats never wake her. So when I'm feeding is often the time I listen to music and check out some grooves. My mother in law was afraid to hoover but I explained that it was unlikely Quinn would wake... and low and behold, she slept right through it!
With Quinn has come so much more emotion - any sad film, programme - or advert and I'm in tears. Seriously! "The Holiday" was on the other day and I spent most of it sobbing into a tissue!
I've also experienced a lot more fear - "did I hear her cry just now?" "Am I doing the right things?" "Am I a good enough mum?" etc..
With all those feelings of course comes so much love I didn't know existed. No matter how little sleep I get at night, no matter how crazy she can be when I'm trying to feed or when I just feel like I'm failing, everyday I look at her and somehow all will be ok. And today?
Today I got my first smile! Now if I can make her smile everyday, then I'm definitely not failing.
I know as she grows older things will change - and don't even go there about her being a teenager before I know it! I realise there will be dark days, arguments and testing times.
But for right now, I'm gonna try and make her smile at me again.